Earlier this week, the United States attacked the terrorist group ISIS in the Middle East. But what does that really mean? In this Q&A session, Seth Meyers used his Late Night pulpit to explain to the average American exactly what’s going on.
DID WE GO TO WAR LAST NIGHT?
DID PRESIDENT OBAMA CALL IT A WAR?
He did not. He calls it an operation. And if pressed he might call it a campaign.
WHERE DID WE ATTACK?
DID WE ATTACK BASHAR AL-ASSAD?
No, we went after ISIS, but in Syria.
WAS BASHAR AL-ASSAD ANGRY?
No, he was happy, because Bashar al-Assad is also enemies with ISIS.
WHY WOULD THE U.S. HELP ASSAD?
THAT’S IT? JUST A SHRUG?
IS CONGRESS MAD?
No. Because then they would have to go on the record with their opinions which could be used against them later if it turned out they were wrong. They’d rather sit back and criticize the outcome without ever having to do or say anything.
BUT ISN’T THAT THEIR JOB?
But don’t feel bad for them. They want to be bad at their jobs. And when you consider that they want to be bad at their jobs, they’re doing an excellent job.
HAS CONGRESS DONE ANYTHING?
Last week they authorized the arming of moderate Syrian rebels.
WHAT ARE MODERATE SYRIAN REBELS?
People who are rebels on the weekend. It’s like a wind surfing enthusiast. Or a foodie.
DO WE REALLY THINK MODERATE REBELS CAN STOP ISIS?
No, but it’s a nice thing to say. “Moderate Rebels.” Try it at a dinner party.
Everyone will nod and say, “I agree.”
WON’T ISIS JUST TAKE THE GUNS?
Yes. That is what will happen.
YOU DON’T SEEM THAT CONFIDENT IN THE MODERATE SYRIAN REBELS. WHY NOT?
They live in the Middle East and they need our help getting guns. Every pick-up truck in the Middle East has eight guys in the back with guns. They come with the truck. It’s like air conditioning or power door locks.
ALL RIGHT, SO LAST NIGHT WE ATTACKED ISIS IN SYRIA?
Yes. And Khorasan.
WAIT. WHAT’S KHORASAN?
Khorasan is, according to the U.S. military, a terrorist group that is far more dangerous than ISIS and is planning an imminent terror attack on American aviation using a new generation of undetectable explosives.
Episode #1064: Allison and Jamie are joined by comedian Sal Gentile (@salgentile) to discuss Publishers Weekly calling #Newsfail “literate” (NBD guys), white people discovering police brutality, Mike Brown’s autopsy (and other updates), the Missouri national guard being called into Ferguson (and the White House apparently not being aware of this decision), Amnesty International sending a team to Ferguson, and atheism’s role in social justice.
Kentucky! Come out and support Jamie and John Frusciante at the Southgate House Revival Aug 23 at 8PM! Get tickets here!
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I had a lot of fun as a guest on today’s Citizen Radio, which you can listen to here. I love silly character names and this episode has some great ones. Also we ask a question we genuinely do not know the answer to: what is toner, and why do you need it to print things? No matter how many times I have this explained to me, the truth will always remain elusive.
This Friday, George Lucas welcomes Late Night with Seth Meyers producer Sal Gentile to his talk show, so that they can talk producer-to-producer about what it’s like to be a producer and compare notes on various things they’ve produced.
THE GEORGE LUCAS TALK SHOW • FRIDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT • UCB CHELSEA
I haven’t used tumblr in a while but if ever there was a good reason to come back, this is it.
I’m on george lucas’s new talk show tomorrow at UCB at midnight. He and I will discuss producing, comedy and other things, one producer/comedian to another. I hope you can come.
Hello! Here’s a video I made with Matthew Brian Cohen, a parody of those house-flipping shows. We show you how you can make money by flipping LITERALLY ANYTHING that you find on the street.
It was shot by the incredibly talented Colin Elzie and edited the also incredibly talented Steve Thompson. Matt and I have been working on versions of these characters for a while and we love playing them.
Matt lives in in LA now so no one knows how to get in touch with him, but if you could, I believe he’d say that he hopes you find this funny and that you share it and stuff. Thanks!
Teaser clip for my upcoming OLYMPIC INTERVIEW SPECIAL with actual journalist Sal Gentile.
I predict that Sal is going to win a Pulitzer Prize for this interview.
I think this preview clip pretty accurately sums up my interview with aspiring Olympian Connor Ratliff. However, I will admit, after covering Connor’s supposed “presidential campaign” for months and being stonewalled at every turn, this new interview is actually the most revealing exchange I’ve ever conducted with him. I’m interested to see the final product.
Connor’s prediction that I will win a Pulitzer is completely unfounded and has no basis in reality.
Hello! Here is a video I wrote and acted in that was directed by Colin Elzie and edited by Dylan Snowden. It’s about a man named Terry Studge who is running for Best Actor at the Oscars and he would like you to vote for him. There’s one week left to vote so spread the word! Terry has never been in a movie in his life. But he is the founder of popular dog dating website dogdates.com!
Please watch and like and share if you’re into it. The thumbnail for this video is horrendous but I like that.
If you’ve been on Twitter today you might be wondering why the name “Jack Morris” is trending nationally.
Jack Morris is a former pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, one of that team’s most notable players who pitched for them for the entirety of the 1980s. He’s a five-time All Star who won over 250 games and four World Series, including in 1991, when he pitched a herculean 10 scoreless innings and led the Twins to a Game 7 victory in what is widely regarded as one of the greatest World Series of all time.
This week, the baseball writers will decide whether to induct new players into the baseball Hall of Fame, and it’s Morris’s last year of eligibility. For a long time, Morris was considered by many a shoe-in Hall of Famer. He was an iconic pitcher who accomplished a number of feats that were quite rare in his time and even rarer now. The last two pitchers to pitch 10 scoreless innings in a single game were separated by a full seven years. Essentially, that is something that happens once or twice a decade.
Then came the statistical revolution, and popular opinion changed. Perhaps for good reason. There were always a number of glaring flaws in the case for Morris as a Hall of Famer. For one thing, he gave up more hits, earned runs (a misleading statistic, but important nonetheless) and more home runs than any other pitcher in the 1980s. His ERA+, an advanced metric designed to correct some of the deficiencies of the traditional ERA, is 105, meaning his ERA was just 5 percent better than the league average for his career, nowhere near Hall of Fame standards.
Those who argue in Morris’s favor will you remind you that he also won more games than any other pitcher in the entirety of the 1980s, and there were a few seasons where he struck out 200 batters and won 20 games, too. He was a battler and a workhorse, a power pitcher who relied on speed and a nasty slider. And perhaps most important of all, he conjures fond memories of a bygone but not-too-distant era. When you think of baseball in the 1980s, you think of Jack Morris.
I’m as firm a believer in the value of empirical evidence and advanced metrics as anyone else. When statheads championed the cause of Bert Blyleven — the half-remembered journeyman who wound his way through the ’70s and ’80s before receding into history, only to be revived by a devoted admirer who waged a one-man crusade to get him into Cooperstown — I supported them. If anything, Morris is the opposite of Blyleven, an iconic pitcher revealed by statistics to be less than what we thought.
But I’m not sure we should care all that much. It is, after all, the Hall of Fame. “Fame” is an intangible quality that eludes our best statistical instruments. It frustrates our attempts to systematize. We could, of course, alter the meaning and purpose of the Hall of Fame, but I’m not sure we should. The Hall of Empirical Evidence would, I think, be far less useful, and certainly less fun. Cooperstown isn’t merely a list of the best and worst baseball players; it is a museum, a receptacle for artifacts, totems that symbolize and remind us of our past, of those who came before us.
So why not let Jack Morris into the Hall of Fame? His name would be there less to signify his talent as an individual baseball player and more to remind us of the era in which he played. To remind us of the forkball and wild pitches, the 1980s and 10-inning games, spectacular feats and astonishing moments, one of the greatest World Series in the history of the game. Jack Morris was there for it all, a main character in the Dramatis Personae of baseball, in that period which, as time passes, will be harder and harder to recall.
Hey friends! Dylan Snowden wrote, and I acted in, this very bizarre video in which I invite members of the JFK High School Class of 2001 to a reunion this weekend even though I did not go to JFK High School and I’ve never been to Sacramento.
Dave Bluvband did a great job shooting it and it’s very weird and if you could watch it and like it and share it that’d be great! And if you know anyone who graduated from JFK High School in Sacramento in 2001, invite them!